Happy New Year Blessings

So, being New Years Day, I thought I would make a list of things I'm thankful for. I spent all of 2010 making and living resolutions. I think I've filled my quota for quite a few years. But there's still room for improvement, you might say.

And, so there is.

But first, the blessings:

• My Heavenly Father loves me and knows who I am. He knows my angst and my happiness. He has helped me through this last year. I can and will not ever deny that.   So many times I saw one set of footprints. So many times He was the only One I could rely on.

• The Atonement of our Savior took up the slack when I couldn’t go on. I knew I would have to rely on Him to fill the measure of what was needed. I hope I will always live my life worthy of His great sacrifice.
• I am thankful for the Meyersons. When Bonnie found out I wanted to move to Utah but I didn't know how I was going to do it, she didn't hesitate. She said right out, "You'll stay with us." What a blessing that has been! I have my own room and bath and a big closet. The Meyersons have given me so much and ask nothing in return. I needed a place to feel safe and they freely gave it to me.

Jodi and Bonnie

and Mike Meyerson        
 

• I'm near my kids--at least two of them, but I have seen Jewely three times since I've been here. Idaho might not seem so far away, but it's a LOOOOONG four-hour drive to Rexburg. It actually takes me five hours because I have to stop every hour or so to stretch my legs. But, I digress...     I have seen Sandy and Zannah, and now Nick, many, many times. Sometimes once a week, sometimes more. The Meyersons are gracious and invite them to dinners and they allow me to cook dinners and invite them over, usually on Sundays.

Soon-to-be son-in-law Nick and Zannah

                  Sandy/Alex holding Jodi's Daisy, and me

• My youngest child, Elder Tim Knight, is serving a mission.  I have been told that most of the blessings I am receiving are because of his missionary service.  It's so true.

Elder K. Timothy Knight
Illinois Chicago Mission
currently serving in the Michigan City, Indiana area
• I have had a chance to create some new traditions with my kids, like going to see the Christmas lights at Temple Square, going to see “The Forgotten Carols,” and getting tickets for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert, this year with David Archuleta and Michael York. I look forward to perpetrating them in the years to come. I hope we can get tickets again next year. They are distributed by lottery.

Me, after the MoTab Christmas Concert.  Looking on from the Conference Center.

Zannah and Nick enjoying the lights at Temple Square

Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert 2010 with David Archuleta and Michael York.

I hope we can get tickets again next year!  It was awesome!

• Though Facebook was the impetus that led to the dissolution of my marriage, I recognize that it is also had for good. Without Facebook I would not be able to keep in touch so intimately with all my friends that remained behind, my family and the friends I have here.  Email is also a miracle. I can, at any time, correspond with anyone anywhere. Add Skype and you have a trifecta of communication that wasn't available a decade ago.

• I found a good job. It's the same kind of work I did before, but in a different setting. God is good. Though I have a lot to learn, I am willing. It might not be in a place I would have chosen, but I know HE knows what is good for me. I have many benefits from working there, and the people are great. I hope to make some wonderful friends in the people that work there. I will try to decipher the new language and do the best job I can.

• I am healthy. For the first time in a long time...I feel better than ever.

• I am happy. Burdens were lifted that were on my shoulders for many years. I now have a chance to pursue my dreams. I can have dreams! I can do anything I want to do. I hope to serve God and listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost in all things. I acknowledge He is the source of my happiness. I feel loved and protected.

• Prayer is the communication I have with God. Reading the scriptures and receiving Priesthood blessings give me the answers to my prayers--His communication back at me. He has not forsaken me.

• I have a choice of three temples to attend within a 15-minute radius. Add 20 minutes and I've got 4. Add a half hour and there are more than a half dozen. I love Utah for that reason (among many).

Draper Temple

 

Jordan River Temple

 

 Oquirrh Mountain Temple, all three are about 15 minutes away

• I have so many friends!!!! I would not be where I am today without their constant care and companionship. This last year would have done me in, but my friends kept me going. They gave me hope. They buoyed me up.  My friends rallied around me and constantly called me to see how I was doing. They still do! They helped me leave and gave me a place to stay. I had many more offers than I took up. I really felt so loved.

My peeps at Clare Bridge of Dublin, minus Lynn Wirth.  They gave me a farewell party on August 10th, my last day.  I miss them...  and I saw Lynn later

         

My peeps at church gave me a farewell party before I left, too. August 10th, the same day.

 Skipback Cindies Reunion in July.  So many old friends I hadn't seen in quite awhile.

Gillis girls.  They are my family.  Megan calls me 'Aunt Susan,' which I love.  Beverly is my honorary big sister.  It was nice to have Erin there, too.

Patty, me, Lynn, Brenda-- *sigh*

 Donna IS my sister.  We decided that a long time ago.

 Joanie Fuller Harlan let me stay with her on my last day in Penna.  She's my very best friend from grade school!

I had lunch with LuAnn Stern before I left.  It was good to set eyes on her after 25 years of just corresponding.  We sang in a guitar trio in high school with Nancy Pollock Cole.  I guess she realized if she was ever going to see me it was now or never!  So good to see her!  We are eternal friends.

I stopped in Kentucky and stayed with the Ahrens family..another blessing along the way.

I stopped in Colorado Springs to see my friend, Shirlee Brule' and her family.  Good times!

•  My family!!!!!! My sister, Kathy, sent me an uplifting text every morning (still does!), which I read ravenously. My other brothers and sister also told me they were there for me, whatever I might need. I was so touched by their love. I’ve never seen my mom act so she-bear! Though I had to temper her anger and persuade her to NOT come to Pennsylvania to be with me, I was so grateful for the offer. Before I left, Andrew gave me a big hug and dropped a tear or two and said he wasn’t happy about losing another sister to a faraway place. Warren called and left a message on my voicemail and told me he loved me (which I have saved and won’t delete). John called to make sure I was OK and offer financial help, as did Chrissy. She sent me many texts to tell me how much she loves me (which I keep and will not delete). Beth called and offered the expertise of her bosses at the law firm. She wanted to make sure I was on the right path and that I was looking out for my own interests and wasn’t caving.

                                        
My sister, Kathy, sends me uplifting texts every morning.  I look forward to them.  One time it served as my alarm clock and I wasn't late for work!!!! Yikes!  Keep it up, Kath!


Chrissy, my baby sister, and me at my family farewell party


                  

Family get-together the day before I left

                             My little brother, John, and me                       

                        

       Jeff, holding Trudie, Mom and Andrew

 Don, my mother's wonderful husband

Andrew at a summer cook-out at Warren's

Chris and Warren after a water balloon fight

 Jeff waiting his turn at horseshoes

Lori and Beth, my precious sisters-in-law

I honestly didn’t realize so many people cared for me! I am blessed to have so many friends, and a big family who love me.

• A chance to start over.

I know I haven't even scratched the surface of my blessings.  I know there will be many more to come.

Please, Lord, lead me down the right path during this next phase, as I know Thou will. Thou was with me, leading and guiding me, and sometimes giving me a good kick in the head to get going. Thou told me to have courage. Thou persuaded me that I was making the right decisions. Thou let me know, under no uncertain terms, I was doing the right thing—getting a divorce and moving to Utah. For that, I am grateful. I look to Thee in all things. I love Thee, Lord. Please bless all those who had a hand in my life this past year. Please bless them abundantly!!!!

In My Life: random thoughts of a new Utahn

I feel very blessed to be here in Utah, but I must admit, around this time, I think of family that is still back in Pennsylvania.
I had a good conversation with brothers, sister, nieces, nephews and in-laws at the annual Tobelmann gathering at Christmastime last Monday.  My mother said it.  "Skype is a  miracle!"  And so it is.  It was just like being there, except we didn't have any of the comfort food served that night.  Alex came over and Zannah brought Nick to meet the family.  They gave him a pretty rough going, but he withstood it.  I think he passed the scrutiny.  I told him...marry the girl, marry the family.
Zee & Nick had to leave, but Sandy stayed.  We had to 'hang-up' so Kathy could Skype from Florida, but when Kathy hung up, Sandy and I got on again.  They were cleaning up.  I got to have some good conversations with John and Lori --and Billy (haha).  I love Skype!
Warren said he made Chicken Fricasse.  It's something I rarely made, but it does remind me of growing up.  And Lori's Christmas cookies....
Chicken Fricasse, Red Beans and Rice, Gumbo, Tapioca, Rice Pudding...New Orleans food that was served regularly.  There are some foods I didn't make for my family, but I have a remembrance of them.
I know I am forgetting some.
We knew we were going to have red beans and rice if we had a ham dinner, which wasn't often.  Now I look forward to Christmas and Easter food so I can make red beans and rice.  I also had a magnificent garden and grew okra (which grew like weeds!) so I could make the coveted Gumbo with shrimp, crab or chicken.  Gumbo is a leftovers meal.  Granny said you look and see what you have leftover in the refrigerator, then you make the roux and dump in whatever you had.  But you had to have okra.
I have found that okra can be skipped, but I guess it's not authentic then.

I got to Skype with my mom on Christmas Day, too.  She just got it.  It was great to see her.  SEE her!  She asked, "What was that show you watched as a kid when they could talk to and see the person?"
"The Jetsons."
"I feel like it's the Jetsons!" she exclaimed.
"Except I'm waiting for that contraption that comes down and fits over your head and does your hair and makeup so you're presentable on the screen," I lamented.

I was beginning to think Christmas cards were redundant because of Facebook and email and all the many facets of communication available these days.  Who needs to have a Christmas letter that tells me things I already know?
But, I must say, receiving Christmas cards from all my friends and family REEEEEEALLY made me feel loved and thought about.  The fact that they went out of their way to get my address and sign a card and write the address and place a stamp on an envelope and take it to the post office....really warms my heart.  I hope I will be able to send Christmas cards next year.  I will make it one of my goals.  Of course I have to 'make' them, so that sets me back a few months, but I will relish it.  I miss doing my artwork--I miss crafting.  It's been over a year since I painted.  I want to paint again. 

I bought my mother-of-the-bride dress yesterday.  Bonnie went with me to the Southtowne Mall, just about a mile away from here.  I got the first dress I tried on!!! Bonnie couldn't believe it.  She said she would have to go shopping with me more often.  She said it took her forever to get a dress for her son's wedding last year.  I researched it online, then took the picture to Dillards, the saleslady led me to the dress, told me I should wear a Petite size (bless you, lady!) and set me up with about a half-dozen dresses in the dressing room.
I liked it the minute I put it on.  But, to appease Bonnie, who couldn't believe I could just get the first dress I tried on, I tried on another one.  It was similar to the first, but much more dressy.  I really liked it, but it was definitely something I could only wear to a wedding.  I really did like it.  It was feminine and dressy with a taffeta flower on the assymetrical neckline.  I thought I looked good in it.
But I got the first. 
I am too practical for my own good.
It is also feminine and dressy, but can be worn to church, too, if I want to.  I also got a bolero sweater to go with it (it will probably be cold in March), and the sweater would not go with the second dress.  It's black but I can also wear a colored tank top underneath with one of Zannah's colors (purple and green).
It has a collar and rhinestone buttons on the front and on the cuffs of the 3/4 sleeves.  It has a rouched waist/bodice and a full skirt made of taffeta with an underslip with tulle to make it fluff out.  I love it!.
They were both Loretta Young-type dresses.  I made it a point to 'twirl' in the mirror. 

Last night Bonnie and I brought in the New Year with a glass of Sparkling Pomegranite-Apple bubbly stuff.  We waited up to midnight, but we were both tired.  Mike was out delivering pizza.  He didn't get in until almost 2:00 in the morning!  I hope he made some good tips!
I received some Happy New Year texts at around 10:00--I didn't think at the time that I am two hours behind the east coast.  I wondered at first, for a second, why I was getting them so early.  haha

And, so, today I am catching up on my blog.  I am thinking good thoughts about my loved ones all over the country.  I have many.

I am blessed.

A MESSAGE FOR MY KIDS...Just So You Know...

How Long Do You Worry About Your Kids?


Is there an imaginary cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable
For their own actions?
Is there some wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators
In the lives of their children and shrug,
'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor
Waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my son's head and I asked,
'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said,'When they get out of
The accident stage.'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

When I was in my thirties,
I sat on a little chair in a classroom
And heard how one of my children
Talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career
Making license plates.
As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
'Don't worry, they all go through this stage, and then you can sit back,
Relax and enjoy them.'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

When I was in my forties,
I spent a lifetime waiting
For the phone to ring,
The cars to come home,
The front door to open.
A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves.
'Don't worry!
In a few years, they'll be adults.
'They'll be off on their own
They'll be out of your hair'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

By the time I was 50,
I was sick & tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my children,
But there was a new wrinkle..
Even though they were on their own
I continued to anguish over their
Failures, be tormented by their
Frustrations and
Absorbed in their disappointments...
There was nothing I could do about it.
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

My friends said that
When my kids got married
I could stop worrying
And lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that,
But I was haunted by my parent's warm smiles and their occasional,
'You look pale. Are you all right?'
'Call me the minute you get home'.
'Are you depressed about something?'

My friends said that
When I became a grandparent
That I would get to enjoy
The happy little voices yelling
Grandma! PopPop!
But now I find that I worry
Just as much about the little kids
As the big ones.
How can anyone cope
With all this worry?

Can it be that parents are sentenced
To a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch
To blaze the trail of human frailties
And the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it
A virtue that elevates us
To the highest form of earthly creation?

Recently, one of my own children
Became quite irritable, saying to me,
'Where were you?
I've been calling for 3 days,
And no one answered, and
I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.

~Author Unknown

I'm still waiting for the torch to pass, but just so you know....this IS what it's like...

My New Job

When I walked into the (secured) lobby, I saw my name on this stand, sitting right next to the place where you swipe your card.  I said to the security guards, "Hey!  That's me!"  I was pretty astounded.  They went along with me and pretended to be happy for me (I'm sure they see this all the time).

So...Monday, November 22, 2010 was the start of my new job as Admin/Office Coordinator in the Pharmacy Services division at SelectHealth in Murray, UT.
What a great place!
Of course, I've only worked there for three days (then I had a Thanksgiving holiday), but the first three days were superb.
I've got my own cubby (cubicle), so I'm trying to envision how I will decorate it (tee*hee).
I don't have a computer set-up yet, but I'm using an old laptop; one I will be using to take meeting minutes.  And there are many, many meetings, I've found out.  I do have a phone hooked up.  I haven't completed the training on the phone yet.  Yes, training on how to use the phone.... (it's complicated...)
From what I can gather...SelectHealth is a health insurance company--and it's rated in the Top 5 Places to Work in Utah, voted on by the employees, who, I have gathered, rave about the place--and I work in the Pharmacy division.  It involves a lot of jargon about drugs and drug companies.  I am the admin for the Chief of Pharmacy and the pharmacists and the customer service call center people.  I believe the pharmacy division discusses drugs and puts them in the tiers according to the expense.  The call center people take calls from pharmacists and doctors and customers and answer questions, etc. 
I may be wrong.  I've only been to one staff meeting and some of the lingo went over my head, and, of course, there are lots and lots of acronyms I have not learned the meanings for.
I don't want to talk about it too much because, well, you're not supposed to blog about your job or workplace. 
BUT...I LOVE it!  They seem to be breaking me in easy, which I am thankful for, but next week may prove to be ramped up a bit.  I don't know.
My boss is really nice.  The pharmacists I work with are really nice.  All the others are really nice.
Hey, it's Utah.  EVERYBODY here is really nice!

I hope this was OK to talk about on a blog.  It's all good, right? I don't have anything negative to say.  I am blessed!

I GOT A JOB!

I was beginning to panic.  I had been here in Utah for two months and still no job.  I received one offer, but it was too little money and too little hours.
I logged 56 on-line applications and I went on 11 job interviews.  Sometimes I did two interviews in one day!  Then...nothing.  I had no interviews on my calendar for this week.
I picked Sandy up from the airport on Monday and on the way back to Herriman we passed South Jordan.  I said to him, "That is where I want to work.  That is where I want to live."  On the way my phone rang, but because I was driving I didn't answer it.
Sandy said, "You should answer it.  It might be a job!"
No, not while I'm driving.
So, when I got home, I listened to the voice mail and it was Merit Medical in South Jordan asking if I'd be interested in a 2-week temp job.  I said, "Yes!" 
Isn't that funny that I just said I wanted to work in South Jordan?
Anyway...
I went over that afternoon, signed some papers and went for a drug test.
AND, the recruiter there said she was sending my application/resume' to HR in case there was a job for me as an admin.  Hmmm....good deal!
The next day, Tuesday, I was temping at Merit Medical.  I was helping out during the busy open enrollment time.  Their health insurance was with SelectHealth.  I thought, "Hey!  I was interviewed for a job at SelectHealth. How ironic!"
The next afternoon, Wednesday, I received a call from SelectHealth. (!!!)  I had interviewed for a job as office coordinator for the pharmacy division.  They wanted to offer me the job!  They checked my references and they were glowing and they offered me more money than previously was offered!
Whoa!
I was flabbergasted.  I asked if I could think about it because I had 2 other companies I was waiting on.  She said I had 40 hours.  She also sang the praises of SelectHealth to me; the perks, the promotionals, the pension, etc.
SO...
I came home to Meyersons and told them.  They were excited for me.  Mike said SelectHealth was one of the top companies in Utah to work for.  I told him the recruiter said they were one of the top 10 companies in Utah to work for.  The employees voted, so it must be good, right?
I told them I had been praying all day and prayed in my room on my knees and I just didn't get any confirmation!?  Normally, I get confirmations.  I got nothing.
The next day, Thursday, I got a call from CHG, another company I interviewed for. They wanted me to come in for a second interview.  I told them I received an offer and was there any information they could give me about my chances at CHG.  I didn't really want to work there, but I thought, what the heck?
I was told they didn't even do all the first interviews.  I politely declined the second interview.  That place would have been too stressful to work for anyway.
That evening, I received a Dear John (rejection) email from another place I interviewed for.  I also emailed the other company I wanted to work for--Utah College of Massage Therapy.  I thought it would be kinda fun to work there. But it was in SLC, and I really didn't want to work in SLC.  But I asked them what my chances were to be hired because I received another job offer.
On Friday, there was a person at Merit from SelectHealth who was there to help out with questions at the class everyone had to take about the insurance.  I spoke with her and she also sang the praises of working at SelectHealth.  She said it was very family friendly and that the people were very nice.  She said she knew the person who would be my boss and said he was a nice man.  She said she left S.H., for a few minutes, then went right back to them.  She said she was going to stay with S.H. until she retired.  It is a great company.
I still felt like I didn't get a confirmation, though.
Stupid me.
I go to do a job and SelectHealth is all over all the information I'm passing out to the people.  Then they call and offer me even more money than before.  Then the other jobs don't pan out.  Then I talk to someone from the company who loves working there.
The clincher?  Benefits from S.H. would kick in on January 1, the same day my benefits with my current company will end.
All of a sudden it hit me.  I've been receiving confirmations the whole time!  How many confirmations do I need? 
I was expecting visions and other-worldly revelations, when I got simple face-to-face and hands-on ratification.  How many reasons do I need to accept that offer?  Come.on!
So I called the recruiter at InterMountainHealthcare, and accepted the offer.  She even understood that I had a 2-week commitment with Merit Medical and allowed me to honor that.
I start November 22nd.
Another step accomplished in my new life.
Scary!

SelectHealth photo for my badge

Crocheting is my OCD

I cannot watch TV without crocheting.  I guess I think it's just a waste of good time that can be spent by using my hands.  I love it when someone sends me a picture of their child in one of my crocheted creations.  That's little David Schlesser modeling his giraffe hat.  I can't believe Kristen actually had a giraffe outfit for him to wear.  How cute!

I love to make the cocoons.  It's the newest thing now.  I have one pattern, but I was able to figure out how to make other types.

The first one I tried was Three Peas in a Pod.  From there I just kept thinking up new designs.

And Beth Hoff dressed her son, Sullivan, in the Three Peas in a Pod cocoon I crocheted for him.  She was gracious enough to take a picture.  How cute!

 
It's wonderful to see photos such as this one of Ella Jackson wrapped in the pink afghan I made for her before she was born.  I'd love to have a shot of her in the pumpkin hat I just sent her.  I keep forgetting to ask the mothers if they would take a picture.


The cocoon thing is just too cute.  I have only given them away to Abington Hospital NICU, but I need to find another outlet for my crochet addiction.  I'm thinking Primary Children's Hospital.

Maybe they would like a lamb...or two?

...or three?

This cute guy ended up in a craft contest

for Jo-Ann Fabrics.  Wouldn't it be great if I would win?

The prize is a $1,500 gift card to Jo-Ann Fabrics.  That would last me about....six weeks?  haha!  If I win, a $50,000 prize will be given to my charity of choice, which, out of the list I was given, a Preemie charity (can't remember the name) out of NY best fit with my craft.  Wouldn't that be wonderful for them?

Well...on to more yarn...and more yarn...and more yarn...

I Will Never Tire of the Mountains

 I have been working a temp job for Merit Medical in South Jordan, UT and, I lucked out, in that it's only a 10 minute drive from Sandy, where I'm staying right now.  So, today, I stopped in at the local Home Depot to buy an electric heater and, as I walked out into the parking lot, I just had to pause.  Look at the scene from the parking lot.  Can one not pause?


The recent snow on the mountains, that has been happening almost every day, has left a pretty white spot that is brilliant.  It did not snow in the valley; just in the mountains. It was flurrying yesterday and the mountains were obscured by clouds.  You could almost see the snow falling up there.  This is the picture left by that falling.

It's a pretty straight shot from South Jordan to Sandy.  I just held up my phone as I was driving (slowly) to snap the beauty.  Just above the streak of clouds is a snow-covered peak, sticking its head up... (click on the photo to enlarge).

 Am I lucky, or what?  Warm autumn color blend with cool blues and whites of imminent winter. Again, in the shot below, I was searching for leaves on the grounds of the Jordan River Temple to take home to press...to keep...as a reminder of my first autumn in Utah.  As I looked up, I saw a mountain peak over the trees.

In the other direction was the temple; another majestic sight, coupled with a flag for impending Veteran's Day splendor.  The sun was exceedingly bright that day, as it is on most days.  'No lack of Vitamin D here.

I suppose one could say I am falling, truly, in love with Utah.  I am so lucky to be here.  Don't I know it?

My New Life

It's been almost a year since my life was turned upside down.
In this last year I have been closer to my Heavenly Father, I think, than at any other time in my life.

I have been constantly on my knees in prayer and supplication.

He has guided me to this, my new life.

How desperate is a woman who would leave her home, her family, her friends, her job, her reputation in the community she spent decades grooming? How miserable must she be? How much anguish can one person take within her body, mind and soul?

That was my ride each day, to new heights of ignominy, embarrassment and humiliation. I prayed, "Father, what should I do?"

Each day he sent the Holy Ghost to strengthen me and lead me, seemingly by the hand, to find even more reasons to be aghast.

I needed a kick in the head. He was giving it to me. I was naive. He helped me see the light in the situation.

Despair, misery and anguish are all emotions perpetrated by the adversary. These are all sentiments that presented themselves to me in the past year as I discovered the dirty little secrets going on within and without my household. At times, I was all-consumed with these negative feelings.

"What could I have done differently?" "How could I have changed his actions?" were questions I constantly kept asking myself. Alas, a person suffering from addictive behaviors deserves the credit himself.

Blame was something I had to take off my plate. I slowly came to this realization, with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Too many times I cried, "Father, I can't do this anymore. Please help me?!"

Help came in the form of our Savior and Redeemer. He already went through what I was going through. He was the antidote to all the shame and bewilderment.

After a priesthood blessing, I realized my decision to get a divorce and move to be near my children, to remove myself from my home, from a community where I lived my whole life, was the right thing to do.  The blessing confirmed it--mightily! I didn't have to pray that prayer anymore.

I have learned that the reason why these incidents happened to me was because "God will not be mocked." (D&C 63:58)

I feel blameless because I have helped in revealing what was happening that was making a mockery of my God and my whole belief system.

The opposite of despair is hope. The opposite of misery is joy. The opposite of anguish is contentment.
These opposites are what faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ brought to me as I now seek my new life.

I'm away from the abuser, so I have hope in Christ that I will find my way.

I am joyful because I can now stand on my own two feet and be my own me. (see Psalm 35:9)

I am content each day as I awaken and realize that it is a new day in my new life and I make of it what I can, with the help of my Heavenly Father, who loves me.
Now...on to healing.

Where Have I Been?

Friends have been asking me why I haven't been writing in my blog. 
"Why did you stop writing?" 
"When are you going to have new entries?"
All of my joyful activities came to a halt this past year--painting, writing--because I needed to get through a trying time. 
"Writing does help," you might suggest.
Yes, it does.
I have been writing, but not joyfully, and certainly not blog-worthy.  I have a lot of private writing from this past year; writing that will probably never be read.  It was therapy for me.  Others would not like to read it, so it is not public.
To describe it as vitriolic would be accurate.
To liken it to hateful would also be on the mark.
I would also portray it as cathartic and as way to give me direction and self-guidance.  It served me well. 

All who write know that moving the pen around, or, in my case, tickling the keys, in thought or ponder, helps one come to conclusions. After all the angst is out, inspiration is found under all the dirt.  It's much like an archeological dig; dirt, dirt, dirt... dig, dig, dig... FIND! *Repeat*

Divorce is a form of grief.  I have been going through many forms of grief in this last year.  I lost a husband, a family structure, a home, a job I loved, an identity...and I moved 2,000+ miles away from where I have lived my whole life, from my extended family and many beloved friends, and from a valuable reputation in the community that I groomed over decades.
But God knows best and He has a plan for me.
I wondered why all of this happened, led by promptings of the Holy Ghost.  A friend gave me an answer...God will not be mocked.

And so, my new life begins.
And writing is still requisite respite....as I am slowly rediscovering. 
I am letting that joy back in...

I MISS TIMMY AGAIN

Tim...er, Elder Knight left for his mission early this morning.
He gave an awesome talk in sacrament meeting yesterday.
Beverly said he sounded more like a returned missionary.  I thought so, too, but...he's my son, so...

Tim's...er, Elder Knight's not much of a talker--at least to me.  I feel like I'm always interrupting his silence by asking him questions, only to be told, "I don't know," usually.  It was such a pleasure to hear about his deep inner feelings and see some emotion--good emotion--come to the surface yesterday.  I will treasure that little piece of time.  Perhaps when he returns from his mission he will be more willing to share, but it's doubtful.  His older sister, most like him, is not forthcoming with tales of her life--unless it's on Facebook or her blog.  Thus, I lurk.

I will be so happy to receive e-mails every week--EVERY WEEK!!!--from Elder Knight.  He HAS to write to me. mmmuuuaaahhhhahhh...  Perhaps he will then share his inner feelings again.  A glimpse is all I ask.  just a glimpse...just a glimpse...such a gift...

Leaving a Place . . .

Are there lightning bugs in Utah
Or sweet smelling honeysuckle vine?
Do daisies show their white happy faces?
Are there any traces of what, to me, is sublime?

Even though I love my white hydrangea tree
I hope I won’t see it bloom this year.
As I look around I am thankful for this house and gardens
But have to admit, I was never really happy here.

“This house is a gift,” I heard a voice say as plain as day.
I was admiring the newly planted strawberries ages ago.
This house is turning out to be a gift, though not what I imagined.
Dear Lord, please let it be a gift in the end, so I can go.

Children’s laughter and gaiety are the things I cherish most.
Sledding down the bank over the child-made bumps in the snow.
Running from hot tub to cold white and back to the warmth
Like affection,
Those memories will always be close.

Perhaps it’s best I am going to a place that is far removed
From everything I’ve loved (and loathed).
Utah is brown. Here it is green. Utah is dry. Here it is wet (with perspiration)
But who’s to say I can’t make it into something that’s loved (or filled with inspiration?)

I always say, “Leave a place better than you found it.”
I hope to do that. My heart and soul long for a ‘better place.’
Please, dear Lord, carry me to a home of repose
And let laughter and gaiety once more find a space
In my life...

Where friends and family are welcomed
And walls and rugs worn with use
Help me to be up to it, Lord.
With Thee, I know I can do it...happily...
no excuse.

Just found a site that can make a signature.
Cool...

Crochet Preemie Afghans

I'm on a roll.

I think I'll post more of my 'artwork.'

This is a Trip Around the World quilting pattern made with yarn scraps from other projects.

This is a Log Cabin pattern.  I figured out how to do it.  I love using yarn scraps to make these.  Or, like this one, I bought the yarn and used the scraps from this project to make others.

I don't always take pictures of all the preemie afghans I make, but sometimes, if the colors are unusual, like these new colors I really haven't used before, I will take photos to remind me of the color combinations.  There are lot of new yarns out there in all different collors.

Love these color combos...

Twenty Years Ago Today

It is twenty years today that my father died.
I can't believe it's been that long, but, as all parents, I measure time by my children.  I remember Jewely was just seven months old at his funeral. Jewely is now 20 years old--and seven months, tomorrow.
I received a phone call from my mom at about nine in the morning, I think, and she told me that dad had passed away early, early in the morning.
As usual, he had been up during the night and left their bedroom to go to sleep on the couch (sometimes he would get on the recliner) for one reason or another.  When my mother awoke to get ready to go to a Christian Women's Club meeting (I think it was), she just took her shower, got dressed, put on her makeup, etc., knowing my father was an early bird and he must be outside enjoying the morning.
When she came out of the bedroom into the living room, she noticed he was lying on the couch--unusual for someone who wakes up at 6 a.m. every day.  It was going on 9:00!  Then she saw that his eyes were open.
  We knew my dad wasn't feeling well.  He had just failed a stress test on Friday and the doctor told him to come back to the hospital the next Friday for a cath.  He didn't make it.  He died Tuesday morning of a massive heart attack.  He was only 63.
I was calm when I received the call from my mom in Florida.  I listened.  She said everything was going smoothly with medical personnel.  My aunt and uncle lived near, so I knew she had them and many friends.
I hung up and called my husband at work.  He said he was coming home immediately.  I told him I was fine.  He, thankfully, didn't listen to me and came home at once.
When I hung up the phone from him, my body started shaking involuntarily.  I. couldn't. stop. shaking.
That had never happened to me before.  I'm glad my husband came home.  I had little ones to take care of, and kindergarten and nursery school car pools, and...

I remember collapsing into my brother Andrew's arms at the cemetery and sobbing, finally able to release my sorrow. My mother, who was about my age, reflected after the funeral that she was much too young to be a widow.

Anyway....after 20 years, I guess this is a good time to reflect on my dad.  He died right before Thanksgiving.  Having my Uncle Tony's funeral this week has caused us all to ponder it, I think.  We know they are in that better place and are now watching over us, our guardian angels, to make sure we are safe and to help us when times get rough. They are that whispering in our minds to remind us we left our keys in the car, or to turn off the lights, or you forgot to unplug your curling iron. 
I can just picture my dad in my mind's eye, gently nudging me awake every morning, reminding me, "You're going to be late for work!" as he did for me when I was in school.  He was my personal alarm clock.  He would come into my room every morning at 6:55 a.m. and gently say, "Susan, wake up."  I would, bleary-eyed, come to my senses, look at the clock and at him, then drift back to dreamland, only to feel my father lovingly give me a back rub and quietly urge me to wake up.  It was a long process.  Now I set the alarm and push snooze about 10 times before I actually leave the bed, waking up slowly, slowly.
I never set an alarm as long as I lived in that house.  My dad woke me up every morning, ever so quietly and gently, and slowly. 

As a parent, I can only hope that my children remember me fondly and lovingly.  I know I failed at a lot of things, but I have never failed to love them with all my heart.  I hope they forgive my shortcomings and remember, oh, remember, how much I love them.

It's Not a Hard Concept

"God is the one sure source of truth. He is the fount of all inspiration. It is from him that the world must receive direction if peace is to come to the earth and if goodwill is to prevail among men. This earth is his creation. We are his children. Out of the love he bears for us, he will guide us if we will seek, listen, and obey." (The Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, p. 555).
I love this quote.  I remember one time, when my kids were younger, I asked my oldest two to clean up the family room so we could have Family Home Evening.  "And don't fight!" I added as I started doing the dishes from dinner.
It didn't take long until I heard the screaming and contention and, probably, pillow fights that were going on in the family room.  I called over to them, "I asked you not to fight.  If you would just listen to me and obey what I say, we would have perfect peace in this family!"
At that moment I straightened up with wide eyes, mouth dropped open, and looked at my reflection in the kitchen window at the sink.  It dawned on me so rapidly that Heavenly Father must say that every day!!
"If you would just obey my commandments, you would have perfect peace and harmony in your world."
As a parent, I wonder what He must be thinking all the time.  He gave us the Plan to be happy and to make our way back to Him.  It's not a hard concept.  The mercy of the Atonement of Jesus Christ acknowledged, we should be nice; do good; pray; go to church; go to the temple; love one another; ask; seek....What's so hard about that?
"...Out of the love he bears for us, he will guide us if we will seek, listen, and obey."
What a concept!

Oh, Wo....

Today was not great.
I have heard of people who were caught blogging about their place of employment and fired on the spot, so I'm not going to do that today...not in so many words, anyway.

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I wish I could find a job where I worked with real adults. I am flabbergasted by the trite acts of grown-ups in my workplace. Some acts are not so trite as they are underhanded and spiteful.
'nuff said.

I miss my time as a reporter. I don't miss sitting for hours at endless meetings that lasted two hours and could have ended two hours ago, if you get my drift...
I miss writing about events that really matter--not earth shattering, but community oriented. I met so many wonderful people as a reporter. I was shown the hand of God many times by peoples' courage and humility and strength and endurance. These people are Joe Ordinary, right in our own back yard.

How many times have I thought how small I am in the scheme of things. There are so many great people. I don't mean it lightly...really 'great' people who give of themselves and sacrifice without any thought of remuneration or payback.

That's what I would love to focus on.

Instead my head is crammed with numbers and facts and statistics; my hands type numbers and letters all day that fill in blanks, that fill up pages, that are sent via cyber space to another land far, far away....so someone else can make sure I filled in all the blanks.

I love the place where I work, though. It is needed. It is good. The people who live there are walking angels. I am priviledged to know them and be in their presence for a short period of time.

That is who I'm really working for.

I Miss Timmy

Ya' know...Timmy is a very private person and when he was here, we hardly knew it. Zannah's like that, too.
But now that Timmy left for college (today!), it still feels like he should be here. For the last 18 years Timmy was always here!
I feel his essence or his energy or a shadow of him left behind here.
I remember, growing up in a big family, sitting around a table with 10 people, you still knew when one was missing. And you knew exactly who it was even without checking the seating!
There is a family bond that is kind of indescribable.

I miss Timmy....
He is off on his college adventure.

I Can't Believe We Both Forgot Our Anniversary

Yeah...the title just says it all....
Then again...32 is a long time and we're old now (old-er anyway). We're not that happy-go-lucky young couple that got married in the 70s and went on our honeymoon in our '67 Chevy paneled van that broke down 3 times -- once in Boulder, Colo.(the steering console), once in Yellowstone Park (flat tire), and once at Mount Rushmore (dropped the muffler). I guess, even in 1977 a 1967 van was old.
Then there was the No-tel Mo-tel in Indiana, but that's a different story...
We ended our 3-week honeymoon a little early because we ran out of money....
oh, to be young again....
eh...maybe not.

Menopause Mom Ranting

I always thought I was born too late. I love music from the 30s and 40s and dancing the fox trot.
Now...alas...I have discovered I may have been born too early -- too early to cash in on all the mom blogging stuff out there in bloggerland.
I can't believe all the millions of blogs there are for moms. How sad that I and my generation of moms didn't have the same support group on the web. We didn't even have the web. We didn't even have a computer! We barely had VCRs, let alone Tivo and DVRs!
Now, if you have a bad day when a kid wipes his nose on your new, one-size-larger T-shirt, just blog about it and receive 431 comments from other moms ready to boo-hoo with you.
How do they even have time to READ 431 comments?
I was a stay-at-home mom and I didn't have a blog to refer to to ponder if I thought it was harder than working or how much guilt I felt about leaving a job or wanting to stay home. Now the bloggers appear on Oprah to vent their angst.
Wimps!
I shouldn't be so judgemental.
I would definitely be on Oprah if I was a mom blogger today. I would lament about how if it didn't happen on Sesame Street I didn't know about it. I would talk about the time I paved the way for nursing mothers when I sat on a bench in the Smithsonian Institute to nurse my baby in public -- so they can do it today! I would complain that I had to wind up the baby swing every 15 minutes, which meant the baby, who was only on the verge of falling asleep, woke up every 15 minutes when I wound up the swing. I'd tell about the time I had to call Poison Control twice in one week! How I mashed my own baby food from leftovers and froze them in ice cube trays. I don't even think ice cube trays exist anymore, do they?
Oh, I guess I'm just jealous.
I mean...I was a reporter and I would love to be able to be a stay-at-home empty-nester and write all day about my day. Uh....slept in....ate cereal...let the dog out....checked my e-mail....
I can see how that wouldn't work.
I'd still like to do it, though....