When Life Gets Hard

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When life seems too hard, I must remember the sacrifice that my Savior, Jesus Christ, made for me so that I can wallow in my self-pity, forgetting that, if I could trade anyone their burdens, I would, most likely, take up my own again. He bequeathed me that luxury.
He knows me, yet loves me.
He has descended below all, and conquered all. He is an empath.
I want to be like Him. I think He knows that. I hope He can forgive me my trespasses, knowing my heart . . . knowing my deepest desires.
He knows better than I.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me. Guide me. Show me. Help me, is my plea.
Thou art my refuge through life's harrowing storms. I run to Thee and I wish I could feel Thy arms around me and hear Thy voice say, "Be still. I am here for you."

I love Thee and I want to see Thy face someday and feel the warmth of Thy smile.
I long to hear the words, "Well done," for I do not know if I deserve to hear them.

I wrap myself in the promise of Thy Atonement and have every faith that Thou has ransomed me.

Not In Your Face

 I have "face blindness," also called prosopagnosia. It's interesting I only found out about this since I moved to Utah.

A few years ago, I was at a writer's conference boot camp. The mentor at my table apologized if she didn't recognize us if she ran into us during the conference. I didn't think anything of it. I knew I wouldn't recognize anyone either. I thought, "Isn't everyone like that?"

She went on to say she had "face blindness." This intrigued me. I spoke with her after our meeting and learned that she had to interact with people many times before she would recognize them again.

I said, "Me, too!" She told me she always apologizes ahead of time so people wouldn't think she was snubbing them.

What a revelation that was to me.

Though my “face blindness” is not extreme, I have a problem unless I have many interactions or have known someone a long time. And if a woman changes her hairdo or hair color, I’m doomed.

I mentioned to my daughter Jewely on Sunday how much easier it was back east to be in a ward where I knew everyone. When someone new came to church it was only one person or family to remember. I told her I have trouble recognizing faces.

There are hundreds of new people to meet in a new ward. That is a challenge for me. When I had been at my job in Utah for four months, I told my friend Bonnie I finally got a handle on who everyone was. That was with seeing my co-workers every day.

I always wondered how people could identify actors so readily in movies. I had an argument with my son Alex about an actor in a TV show. I said, "Look, it's the sidekick from 'National Treasure'."

He said, "No, it's not."

I said, "Yes, it is." Back and forth we went.

He got out his smartphone, tapped on it a few times, and showed me the actor I thought I was talking about. I looked at the TV. I looked at the phone. It looked like him.

"But I recognized his voice, too," I told my son, daunted. Alex said they did sound similar, but it wasn't who I thought. I guess it wasn't facial, but audio recognition that made me think it was the actor in "National Treasure." He had the same hair style, hair color and voice. The face was very different, I had to admit.

Describing eyes, a nose, a mouth or chin to a police sketch artist on TV detective shows always baffled me. And picking someone from a lineup? They all look alike! For me, there’s no way. I would never be able to describe someone. I would say the hair color, hair style, body shape and that would be it. The face would be a blur.

At work, I saw someone familiar in the lobby. I thought it was the cute caterer for Wingers and told her I was just getting ready to call her to place an order for an event. The woman, squinting, graciously said, "Well, let me know how I can help you with that," and gave me a funny, tentative look.

All of a sudden, I realized who she was--the cute young woman in marketing that I have worked with many times, but hadn't seen for awhile. I apologized profusely about my mistake. She must have thought I was losing it. No, lost it!

Today I attended my second meeting of the Employee Advisory Council. At the last meeting I was introduced to the marketing representative in the group who would help me make digital fliers for announcements. I worked with him via about a dozen emails over the last month. I remember thinking to myself today, "Oh, I'll get to see what Mike looks like," even though I had already met him.

Right now, I remember he’s thin, has strawberry blond hair and a beard--and glasses. I don't know if that's enough to recognize him if I see him in the elevator. I wonder now if I've been on an elevator ride with him over the last month. Yikes!

Also, at that first EAC meeting last month, a young brunette woman sat across from me. She smiled at me like she knew me. I had no idea who she was and only vaguely smiled back. We went around the table to introduce ourselves. It turns out, the week before the meeting, I had spent a whole hour, one-on-one, with her in a small, intimate conference room as she went over the nuances of the payroll time clock. (!!!) Only the week before.

Her hair was different; not like I remember.

Now, when I see her, in her cubicle, in her accounting setting and recognize her in that context, I make a big fuss over her in some way--cute shoes, pretty jewelry. I've got to make up for not recognizing her.

At one ANWA chapter meeting, I erroneously introduced one sister as another when she came to my door for her first meeting. She was gracious and politely corrected her name. I thought she was the presenter. (Insert blushing smiley face here.) Thank goodness for Facebook. I am determined now to study our chapter’s page and pictures before the meetings. Please forgive me, new members!

In my ward, I can’t distinguish people unless I’m their visiting teacher or they’re mine. I need to see the bishopric sitting up front each week or Relief Society presidency, or do something together with someone many times.

A thought came to me Sunday morning during Relief Society. I got up and bore my testimony and announced that I have Face Blindness and to “please forgive me if I don't recognize you.”

I compared it to being familiar with Deity. How will we know our Savior if we don’t make him part of our everyday lives through prayer and fasting, reading our scriptures or attending the temple? We won’t be able to distinguish when the Holy Ghost is near unless we have “met” more than once or twice and know His still, small voice.

Through trials I have developed a relationship with the Holy Ghost. His presence is palpable to me. He walks beside me, guiding me, coaching me. And, through trials, I know the Savior loves me and has carried me as I looked back to see one set of footprints. I have a testimony that my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows who I am--by name.

Trials aren’t necessary to know Deity, but we must interact every day in order to be acquainted with the countenances of divine beings.

Perhaps most people are more perceptive at discerning facial features than I am, but I’m sure, without a doubt, I will know the face of Christ when I finally see Him.

Yes, I’m sure of it.

My House

SCRIPTURE OF THE Day: Doctrine & Covenants 110:7

"For behold, I have accepted this house, and my name shall be here; and I will manifest myself to my people in mercy in this house."

This is so ironic. I subscribe to the Latter-day Light Daily Devotional where I get a scripture and quote from a Prophet every day. The one I received today (above) is just another testimony to me that my Heavenly Father is watching over me and blessing me.

Tomorrow I sign the settlement papers on my new house!!!!

Now, I know the above quote is about temples, but, if I read it in the context of my own house, I can see the hand of God blessing me and confirming that this is the right decision for me.

Do I put too much stock in these devotionals? I don't think so, especially since they have been right on for the last year. I look forward to reading them every day and have looked to them as answers to prayers that I have daily.

I was thinking of having my house dedicated to the Lord. I hope that I will be able to help people by having a house, whether it be family or friends. I pray that the Lord WILL manifest Himself, in mercy, in this house--my house.

I am ever grateful for a loving Father who leads and guides me every day. He has not forsaken me. I know He never will.

O Happy Day

Mosiah 2:41

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." ~Moroni 7:45

I have learned that, if you don't have charity, meaning the pure love of Christ, you can't achieve the celestial kingdom's highest glory. 

And except ye have acharity ye can in nowise be saved in the kingdom of God; ~Moroni 10:21


I strive to have this charity, but I know I don't come close to having the pure love of Christ in my life right now. 

I keep promising Heavenly Father, "Some day...I promise...I will forgive..."  ...but right now...I just have to 'be.'  I have to heal.  I have to find my own way; take it at my own pace.

Moroni echoed what was spoken by Paul in the New Testament.  "Charity Never Faileth." 
I certainly do believe all things and hope all things right now.  I believe I have borne a lot of 'things,' especially in this past year, but in many years past as well.  I feel I have endured a LOT of things. I do rejoice in the truth. 
I have to admit, I do 'thinketh evil' pretty regularly.  My friends, who have gone through what I am going through, all say I have to give myself time--PLENTY of time--before I will be able to live again fully and heal and be whole.  I am willing to put in the time.  I long for healing.  But every once in awhile (or sometimes a great lot) I am taken back a few steps and stumble and fall down.  My friends say it can't be helped.  This will happen.  So I will take them at their word.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
~1Corinthians 13:2


H.F. knows my heart.  I hope He sees some good inside there.

Happy New Year Blessings

So, being New Years Day, I thought I would make a list of things I'm thankful for. I spent all of 2010 making and living resolutions. I think I've filled my quota for quite a few years. But there's still room for improvement, you might say.

And, so there is.

But first, the blessings:

• My Heavenly Father loves me and knows who I am. He knows my angst and my happiness. He has helped me through this last year. I can and will not ever deny that.   So many times I saw one set of footprints. So many times He was the only One I could rely on.

• The Atonement of our Savior took up the slack when I couldn’t go on. I knew I would have to rely on Him to fill the measure of what was needed. I hope I will always live my life worthy of His great sacrifice.
• I am thankful for the Meyersons. When Bonnie found out I wanted to move to Utah but I didn't know how I was going to do it, she didn't hesitate. She said right out, "You'll stay with us." What a blessing that has been! I have my own room and bath and a big closet. The Meyersons have given me so much and ask nothing in return. I needed a place to feel safe and they freely gave it to me.

Jodi and Bonnie

and Mike Meyerson        
 

• I'm near my kids--at least two of them, but I have seen Jewely three times since I've been here. Idaho might not seem so far away, but it's a LOOOOONG four-hour drive to Rexburg. It actually takes me five hours because I have to stop every hour or so to stretch my legs. But, I digress...     I have seen Sandy and Zannah, and now Nick, many, many times. Sometimes once a week, sometimes more. The Meyersons are gracious and invite them to dinners and they allow me to cook dinners and invite them over, usually on Sundays.

Soon-to-be son-in-law Nick and Zannah

                  Sandy/Alex holding Jodi's Daisy, and me

• My youngest child, Elder Tim Knight, is serving a mission.  I have been told that most of the blessings I am receiving are because of his missionary service.  It's so true.

Elder K. Timothy Knight
Illinois Chicago Mission
currently serving in the Michigan City, Indiana area
• I have had a chance to create some new traditions with my kids, like going to see the Christmas lights at Temple Square, going to see “The Forgotten Carols,” and getting tickets for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert, this year with David Archuleta and Michael York. I look forward to perpetrating them in the years to come. I hope we can get tickets again next year. They are distributed by lottery.

Me, after the MoTab Christmas Concert.  Looking on from the Conference Center.

Zannah and Nick enjoying the lights at Temple Square

Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert 2010 with David Archuleta and Michael York.

I hope we can get tickets again next year!  It was awesome!

• Though Facebook was the impetus that led to the dissolution of my marriage, I recognize that it is also had for good. Without Facebook I would not be able to keep in touch so intimately with all my friends that remained behind, my family and the friends I have here.  Email is also a miracle. I can, at any time, correspond with anyone anywhere. Add Skype and you have a trifecta of communication that wasn't available a decade ago.

• I found a good job. It's the same kind of work I did before, but in a different setting. God is good. Though I have a lot to learn, I am willing. It might not be in a place I would have chosen, but I know HE knows what is good for me. I have many benefits from working there, and the people are great. I hope to make some wonderful friends in the people that work there. I will try to decipher the new language and do the best job I can.

• I am healthy. For the first time in a long time...I feel better than ever.

• I am happy. Burdens were lifted that were on my shoulders for many years. I now have a chance to pursue my dreams. I can have dreams! I can do anything I want to do. I hope to serve God and listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost in all things. I acknowledge He is the source of my happiness. I feel loved and protected.

• Prayer is the communication I have with God. Reading the scriptures and receiving Priesthood blessings give me the answers to my prayers--His communication back at me. He has not forsaken me.

• I have a choice of three temples to attend within a 15-minute radius. Add 20 minutes and I've got 4. Add a half hour and there are more than a half dozen. I love Utah for that reason (among many).

Draper Temple

 

Jordan River Temple

 

 Oquirrh Mountain Temple, all three are about 15 minutes away

• I have so many friends!!!! I would not be where I am today without their constant care and companionship. This last year would have done me in, but my friends kept me going. They gave me hope. They buoyed me up.  My friends rallied around me and constantly called me to see how I was doing. They still do! They helped me leave and gave me a place to stay. I had many more offers than I took up. I really felt so loved.

My peeps at Clare Bridge of Dublin, minus Lynn Wirth.  They gave me a farewell party on August 10th, my last day.  I miss them...  and I saw Lynn later

         

My peeps at church gave me a farewell party before I left, too. August 10th, the same day.

 Skipback Cindies Reunion in July.  So many old friends I hadn't seen in quite awhile.

Gillis girls.  They are my family.  Megan calls me 'Aunt Susan,' which I love.  Beverly is my honorary big sister.  It was nice to have Erin there, too.

Patty, me, Lynn, Brenda-- *sigh*

 Donna IS my sister.  We decided that a long time ago.

 Joanie Fuller Harlan let me stay with her on my last day in Penna.  She's my very best friend from grade school!

I had lunch with LuAnn Stern before I left.  It was good to set eyes on her after 25 years of just corresponding.  We sang in a guitar trio in high school with Nancy Pollock Cole.  I guess she realized if she was ever going to see me it was now or never!  So good to see her!  We are eternal friends.

I stopped in Kentucky and stayed with the Ahrens family..another blessing along the way.

I stopped in Colorado Springs to see my friend, Shirlee Brule' and her family.  Good times!

•  My family!!!!!! My sister, Kathy, sent me an uplifting text every morning (still does!), which I read ravenously. My other brothers and sister also told me they were there for me, whatever I might need. I was so touched by their love. I’ve never seen my mom act so she-bear! Though I had to temper her anger and persuade her to NOT come to Pennsylvania to be with me, I was so grateful for the offer. Before I left, Andrew gave me a big hug and dropped a tear or two and said he wasn’t happy about losing another sister to a faraway place. Warren called and left a message on my voicemail and told me he loved me (which I have saved and won’t delete). John called to make sure I was OK and offer financial help, as did Chrissy. She sent me many texts to tell me how much she loves me (which I keep and will not delete). Beth called and offered the expertise of her bosses at the law firm. She wanted to make sure I was on the right path and that I was looking out for my own interests and wasn’t caving.

                                        
My sister, Kathy, sends me uplifting texts every morning.  I look forward to them.  One time it served as my alarm clock and I wasn't late for work!!!! Yikes!  Keep it up, Kath!


Chrissy, my baby sister, and me at my family farewell party


                  

Family get-together the day before I left

                             My little brother, John, and me                       

                        

       Jeff, holding Trudie, Mom and Andrew

 Don, my mother's wonderful husband

Andrew at a summer cook-out at Warren's

Chris and Warren after a water balloon fight

 Jeff waiting his turn at horseshoes

Lori and Beth, my precious sisters-in-law

I honestly didn’t realize so many people cared for me! I am blessed to have so many friends, and a big family who love me.

• A chance to start over.

I know I haven't even scratched the surface of my blessings.  I know there will be many more to come.

Please, Lord, lead me down the right path during this next phase, as I know Thou will. Thou was with me, leading and guiding me, and sometimes giving me a good kick in the head to get going. Thou told me to have courage. Thou persuaded me that I was making the right decisions. Thou let me know, under no uncertain terms, I was doing the right thing—getting a divorce and moving to Utah. For that, I am grateful. I look to Thee in all things. I love Thee, Lord. Please bless all those who had a hand in my life this past year. Please bless them abundantly!!!!

It's Not a Hard Concept

"God is the one sure source of truth. He is the fount of all inspiration. It is from him that the world must receive direction if peace is to come to the earth and if goodwill is to prevail among men. This earth is his creation. We are his children. Out of the love he bears for us, he will guide us if we will seek, listen, and obey." (The Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, p. 555).
I love this quote.  I remember one time, when my kids were younger, I asked my oldest two to clean up the family room so we could have Family Home Evening.  "And don't fight!" I added as I started doing the dishes from dinner.
It didn't take long until I heard the screaming and contention and, probably, pillow fights that were going on in the family room.  I called over to them, "I asked you not to fight.  If you would just listen to me and obey what I say, we would have perfect peace in this family!"
At that moment I straightened up with wide eyes, mouth dropped open, and looked at my reflection in the kitchen window at the sink.  It dawned on me so rapidly that Heavenly Father must say that every day!!
"If you would just obey my commandments, you would have perfect peace and harmony in your world."
As a parent, I wonder what He must be thinking all the time.  He gave us the Plan to be happy and to make our way back to Him.  It's not a hard concept.  The mercy of the Atonement of Jesus Christ acknowledged, we should be nice; do good; pray; go to church; go to the temple; love one another; ask; seek....What's so hard about that?
"...Out of the love he bears for us, he will guide us if we will seek, listen, and obey."
What a concept!

Sealed in the temple

James and Jewely Knight Hill -- aka 'Jamely'were sealed for time and all eternity
in the Washington, D.C. temple

October 15, 2008

President Gordon B. Hinckley

President Hinckley died Jan. 27, 2008. I don't know why I was shocked at first...maybe not shocked, but sadenned. Sandy called about 9:20 p.m. and asked if we heard anything on TV or on the radio. I said we wouldn't hear anything like that. I told him to turn on the TV or radio in Idaho! Ken decided to go to the Internet. Meanwhile Zannah called and told us the rumor was true. She said word traveled fast in the LDS community. Seeing that he died at 7 p.m. MST, and Sandy called at 9:20 EST, I should say so. Jewely called, too.

During the Christmas devotional I heard President Monson speak and at that time I was struck by a testimony right then and there that he would, indeed, be a great prophet and I shouldn't worry about Pres. Hinckley passing away. I didn't know why at the time why I was receiving this little insight. Then Pres. Hinckley got up to speak. My, he looked like death warmed over. His speech was slurred. I knew then that it would only be a short period of time.

Then again...Pres. Hinckley was 97 years old! How many times had he said he 'hoped' to see us at the next conference.

I am so glad I got to see him in person. Not to shake hands or anything, but to be in the same room; breathing the same air; feeling of his spirit.

I think it was 1996 or 1997 when he came to Madison Square Garden in NYC. I was teaching the Book of Mormon in seminary that year and we were at 3 Nephi. I love the part in 3 Nephi when Christ was getting ready to leave and he perceived that the crowd did not want him to go. So he stayed longer. More spiritual things happened.

When GBH was at MSG and he was done speaking -- I DID NOT WANT HIM TO LEAVE! I kept saying in my heart, "Please, don't go yet. Please, stay!" And he did! He shook everyone's hand that was on the podium with him. He turned. People were waving white handkerchiefs and spontaneously started to sing "We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet."

He made his way across the stage, waving, and people spontaneously broke out with "God Be With You 'Till We Meet Again."

By that time I was using my handkerchief to blow my nose! I remember saying to Jewely, who was only about 7 or 8, to look around and drink it all up and always remember this.

In 2002, right after Sandy went to the MTC, on October 25th to be exact (I remember because it was the anniversary of my baptism), GBH came to Philadelphia. He had been to the dedication of a building at the U of Penn and was a speaker. He apologized that his voice was not very loud that he had been talking all day.

Then, all of a sudden, his voice got VERY loud! I remember looking around to see if others noticed -- they did! I just remember him saying over and over that he loved us. He reminded me of a gentle grandfather who loved his children/grandchildren unconditionally. I felt of his love that day and I was glad to be there.

I am so glad for my testimony of this church. I am glad I joined. It fills my heart that I have made the choice to be a member. I feel priviledged to go to church on Sunday and to participate in receiving the sacrament; to be edified by the talks; by the Sunday School lesson and RS lesson. I am happy for my association with all the many members I have met in my life and for their testimonies, too.

I am happy all my children have testimonies of the true church of Jesus Christ.