When I Die

One of the residents of the memory care facility where I work wrote this request of her family. After working in memory care, and seeing those fragile people take on a world that is incomprehensible to them, I have to agree that I would not want to be kept alive to live in a state that is less than being human anymore. The human-ness has been taken away. There is no more communication and understanding. Thank goodness for the ever-vigilant caregivers that love them so much. I do worship them.

Here is what 'Fran' had to write, when she was still in her pre-dementia mind:

"If the time comes when I can no longer actively take part in decisions for my own future, I wish this statement to stand as testament of my wishes.
"If there is no reasonable expectation of my recovery from illness or disability, I request that I be allowed to die and not be kept alive by artificial means or heroic measures. I ask also that drugs be mercifully administered to me for terminal suffering even if in relieving pain they may hasten the moment of death. I value life and the dignity of life, so that I am not asking that my life be directly taken, but that my dying not be unreasonably prolonged; not the dignity of life destroyed.
"This request is made, after careful reflection, while I am in good health and spirits. Although this document is not legally binding, you who care for me will, I hope, feel morally bound to take it into account. I recognize that it places a heavy burden of responsibility upon you, and it is with the intention of sharing this responsibility that this statement is made."

I have asked my Heavenly Father why dementia and Alzheimer's disease exists and have tried to reason it out in my mind. Since my mind cannot reason it out, I must just accept that it does exist and must be for a purpose. That's the only thing that can make sense to me.
I do know that the caregivers where I work are amazing people. I never knew that people cared so much until I worked there. Bless all those nurses and nurse-types. I look up to them. I know I am not one of them in the same way they are. I care and love those residents, but I am not a caregiver-type, per se.
I hope my children will know that my wishes are the same as Fran's. Before I worked there, I felt that if I was in a state where there might be no hope, I would want to be kept alive in case I came back perfectly whole and mentally sentient.
But I realize it is not desirable to have a functioning body without a functioning mind.
Although my body is quite imperfect, I can still walk and talk and communicate. Some of our residents are higher functioning mentally, but their bodies do not work (like Lewy body dementia). That would be a living hell to me.
Likewise, having a functioning body without a mind would be equally unappealing and undesirable.
Some of our residents have no idea about what is going on around them, but they have bodies that still function, meaning their lives will be prolonged in that demented state for many years.
We have a man on hospice right now and I may go back to work tomorrow to learn that his spirit has crossed through the veil. Many of the caregivers are keeping vigil and one in particular has cried many tears because she will miss him so much.
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who rejoices when they die. I know that they are now in a much better place, seeing their long dead relatives and friends and are released from that imperfect mind to once again 'know' what is going on around them.
That is what is scary to me -- not knowing what is happening around me.
I feel it a little because I am hard of hearing. When I can't participate in a conversation, I feel so left out and disheartened. If I feel that way being hard of hearing, I can't imagine not being able to communicate at all.
To describe it a little, it's like I want to communicate, and I think I am, but what I am saying is non-intelligible to others. If I want to say, "I am hungry. When's lunch?" I might say, "Hand. Travel. Calendar" and think I am communicating what I want.
I have no idea what they are thinking when someone just redirects them to do something else and there is no communication or understanding.

It is so hard to put into words how I feel about where I work. I love the residents. They are so dear; like little children. But they are adults, so we need to help them preserve their dignity. Because they are adults, I respect them and treat them like my elders, but it is so hard to not think of them as little children.
I look at them all and remember the words of Christ -- unless you become as little children you cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven.
These people are literally becoming "as little children."
I guess their reward is sure.
Perhaps this is the reason their reward is sure....

HAVE YOU...?

THE THINGS I'VE DONE ARE IN BOLD:

Started your own blog
Slept under the stars
Played in a band
Visited Hawaii
Watched a meteor shower
Given more than you can afford to charity
Been to Disneyland/Disney World
Climbed a mountain
Held a praying mantis
Sang a solo
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Adopted a child
Had food poisoning
Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
Grown your own vegetables
Seen the Mona Lisa in France
Slept on an overnight train
Had a pillow fight
Hitch-hiked
Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
Built a snow fort
Held a lamb or kid
Gone skinny dipping
Run a Marathon
Ridden in a gondola in Venice
Seen a total eclipse
Watched a sunrise or sunset
Hit a home run
Been on a cruise
Seen Niagara Falls in person
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
Seen an Amish community
Taught yourself a new language (but I took French and Spanish in high school...)
Had enough money to be truly satisfied ((I always count my blessings)
Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
Gone rock climbing/repelling
Seen Michelangelo’s David
Sung karaoke
Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
Visited Africa
Walked on a beach by moonlight
Been transported in an ambulance
Had your portrait painted/sketched (but I've sketched others)
Gone deep sea fishing (and got sick as a dog and wanted to die...)
Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Gone to a drive-in theater
Been in a movie (indie homemade)
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business (didn't last long)
Taken a martial arts class
Visited Russia
Served at a soup kitchen
Sold Girl Scout Cookies (and was Cookie Mom a few times)
Gone whale watching
Got flowers for no reason
Donated blood, platelets or plasma
Gone sky diving
Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
Bounced a check
Flown in a helicopter
Saved a favorite childhood toy
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
Eaten Caviar (tasted it...yuk!)
Pieced a quilt
Stood in Times Square
Toured the Everglades (been through but never 'toured')
Been fired from a job
Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
Broken a bone
Been on a speeding motorcycle
Seen the Grand Canyon in person
Published a book (self--published)
Visited the Vatican
Bought a brand new car
Walked in Jerusalem
Had your picture in the newspaper
Read the entire Bible
Visited the White House (sad to say, I've always wanted to...been to D.C. many times)
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Had chickenpox
Saved someone’s life
Sat on a jury
Met someone famous (great story...I interviewed Art Linkletter over the phone when I was a reporter because he was making an appearance at a fundraiser in the my area. When Alex was cominig home from his mission we waited for him at the airport with a banner and balloons. Up walks Art Linkletter! I went up to him and shook his hand and introduced myself--he didn't remember me, but he was very gracious -- and frail -- in his 90s)
Joined a book club
Lost a loved one
Had a baby
Seen the Alamo in person
Swam in the Great Salt Lake
Been involved in a law suit (as a witness)
Owned a cell phone
Been stung by a bee
Read an entire book in one day
Fallen in Love

As I can now see, items naming foreign countries (except Canada) are non-existent in my life, but I also see I have a very blessed life.

Jamely's Wedding

1 Thessalonians 5:18
"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
¸..• ´¨¨)) -:¦:- ¸.•´ .•´¨¨))
((¸¸.•´ ..•´ -:¦:-
*..•°-:¦:-* Susan *-:¦:-°•..*
¸..• ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.•´ .•´¨¨)) •..*´¨¨)) -:¦:-
((¸¸.•´ ..•´ ¸¸.•´

Sealed in the temple

James and Jewely Knight Hill -- aka 'Jamely'were sealed for time and all eternity
in the Washington, D.C. temple

October 15, 2008

Utah/Idaho 08

Wow, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I was hoping to be in my 'write' mind by now, but, with jet lag from my trip, I don't know if it's coming back any time soon.

I went to Utah and Idaho last week to visit friends and family and did a month's worth of activities in one week.

It was so great to see all my friends again. I haven't been to Utah for 10 years! Kids have grown up, some have moved out! Our hearts are still the same, though. We're all still great friends.I left Saturday, July 12, and Jane Kessler picked me up at the airport and took me home. From there we went up to Ogden to visit Colleen Gillis and family, then to Draper to visit Angelo and Deanna Carlini. I hadn't seen them for 23 years! E-mail is so great -- and Christmas lettters! We've been corresponding all this time and it felt as if no time at all had gone by.Angelo is doing well after his stroke. It was just so good to see them again.That's me in the middle with my good friends, Angelo and Deanna Carlini

Deanna took Jane and I through her garden and back yard, then we sat to chat on a log swing her son Aaron made for her. Her granddaughters, Adam's daughters, from Arizona were visiting and they greeted us like they hadn't seen us in ages (when we had never even ever met them!) and then Aaron's daughter dropped by and we got the same greeting. What wonderful people! I remember taking a photo of Jay Kessler, too, but I guess it didn't turn out... too bad. He's a great guy and I enjoyed talking with him. He's now bishop of his ward in Magna, UT

I love vacations when I can travel to Utah and see all my all friends.

The next day Jane took me to "Music and the Spoken Word." She is a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I felt so honored to be able to go to that with her.

She had to be there early, so I investigated the Conference Center grounds

and walked all over Temple Square taking photos ...

... some of me!

I tried to be creative....

The tabernacle is in the background

Hyrum Smith on left and Joseph Smith, Jr. on right. I had deja vu after just doing the Stake Play

I was amazed to see what used to be a street separating the temple square from the Joseph Smith Memorial Building is now a plaza or promenade.

Brigham Young with the SLTemple in the background

The entrance to the Joseph Smith Memorial building from the promanade. The Nauvoo Cafe below. I thought we were going here for lunch on Tuesday, but we went to the restaurant on the roof instead. Still, I did get a nice image reflection of Brigham Young's statue.
And I got to set up some shots of the temple and new reflecting pool.

At least I think it's new. I don't remember seeing it before, but it's been 10 years, so......

Then I had to get in line to go inside the Conference Center. I think I could have spent another hour outside taking pictures around Temple Square. As it was, I had been out there for 1 1/2 hours already. The temp was slightly cool and I'm glad I had my jacket. The weather was wonderful!
Once inside, I got to see all the goings on of the behind the scenes rehearsals and set ups for "Music and the Spoken Word." It's the longest running radio broadcast -- I believe 74 years now. It's also broadcast on local and satellite television.
It was amazing to see all the cameras -- and they were in the faces of the people on the ends of rows. I don't know how they can concentrate with all the cameras gauking at them... but they do it every week, so they're probably used to it. We were allowed to take pictures and videos during the rehearsal. I only had my video on my little, very inadequate, camera, so I got some sound, but the video is not very good.That's Jane: third row up, far left (red hair)

Jane is pretty much in the center of this shot

Once they started performing, you had to be very quiet and you couldn't take photos or videos. Once the closing credits were done, we all let loose with applause and a standing ovation. I am always moved by standing ovations. I imagine they get a standing ovation every week. I wonder if they ever get used to that...






I was surprised and pleased to hear them sing the song "All My Trials." At first I didn't remember why I knew the words. Then I remembered I sang it when I was in high school in my guitar trio. I'll have to e-mail it to them so they can hear it, too.

So, after all was said and done, the announcer said, "I'd like to introduce a visitor to Music and the Spoken Word today. President ...(pause)," I just thought it was a president of some company or something, "...Thomas S. Monson -- and his wife and daughter."

We all gasped and looked around. Then he stood up and was sitting right in the front row!!! We hadn't seen him sneak in!

So, I thought, I better high tail it over there before everyone gets in line to shake his hand. So I make it to the front and try to push my way past this guy who put his hand out and said, "I don't think you want to go any farther."

I said, "I just want to get close enough to take a good picture. I have a really lousy camera." Then I tried to advance.

"I think you'll want to just stay where you are."

"Can't I just get a little closer?"

Then it dawned one me.... this must be a body guard!!! So I just took a photo of him with my lousy camera. But I saw him with my own two eyes and took a picture with my own two hands.

President Monson is sitting down in the front row in the grey suit.

blurry photo... oh well....

not as blurry, but I had to shoot from a distance through a crowd

There was a retirement tribute after the broadcast so that took up their rehearsal time. President Monson was present because he is the advisor for the choir. Jane told me President Hinckley was the advisor for the choir ever since he was a lowly clerk. He just kept the advisor position with every step up he made in the church. Then, she said, once the prophet is the advisor for the choir, are you gonna just give it to some lowly clerk again? Anyway, President Monson annouced to the choir who its new advisor was going to be -- "It's me!" he said.

How Providential was that? That I was able to see and hear the prophet while I was in SLC?! He spoke to the choir during the tribute and he told stories, of course. I love his stories. What a great man....

Then, Jane and I went to a random sacrament meeting somewhere, then back to her house for lunch. Then she drove me down to the Meyerson's in Sandy, UT. I knew I would see Jane again on Tuesday when a few of us were getting together to go to the SLTemple for a session, so the parting was not painful.

It was so good to see Bonnie and Mike again, even though I had just seen them the Sunday before. They flew out to NJ to see Travis and Jenny and Lexi. I wondered if they were going to be home in time to see me!!

They have a new dog -- Dodger -- a poodle/Bichon mix. I wanted to dognap him and take him home with me!

I pretty much no sooner got there than I was whisked off to Dale and Shannon Erling's house in Pleasant Grove, UT. When I got there, the Clarks were there, too! Yippeee! More people to see!

Lisa, Anne, Kelly


Dale and Shannon now have 5 kids. Who'd of ever thunk it? It was so great to see all his kids. I've known Dale since he was a teenager and met Shannon when they got engaged on my first trip to Utah in 1992.

Shannon, Sarah, Dale, Nathan, Jacob and Rachel. Baby Joshua was up in his crib.


The Erlings' new baby had a very eventful birth. He was delivered at home by the EMT next door. Unfortunately little Joshua ended up spending 2 weeks in the NICU. He has to be quarentined for 6 months and can't go near people. I wish I could have held him. He was so tiny and cute.
It was great to see the Clarks, too, and their daughter, Anne. I can't believe she is 17 now. She was 7 the last time I saw her. I was so happy to see them!
Good times....good times....

The next day Bonnie and I went to the movies and saw "Emma." That was really good. It had me in tears at the end. Then she took me to Tai Pan, I think it was called. It was a home furnishings store. I don't think there are any around here. It was nice. We still have the same taste, I noticed.
We chilled the rest of the night, I think. I can't remember what I did. Maybe I took a nap. I was suffering from jet lag the whole time. At any time of day I would just crash and have to take a little nap.

I can't believe Bonnie can see the Jordan River temple from her master bedroom! And she told me there is going to be another temple built closer to the mountains and she will be able to see that one, too.

It just doesn't seem fair. Philadelphia is the only metropolitan city that doesn't have a temple. I didn't realize that! What is holding us up from having a temple!? Zannah says tithing, priesthood and baptisms. But we're baptizing a ward a year! Maybe soon....

Tuesday Bonnie and I set off for the SLTemple. There we met Jane, Joanne Blood and Nancy Ballard! It was so great to be with them again and in the temple. We did an endowment session, then went over to the Joseph Smith Mem'l building for lunch on the roof.

Joanne, Nancy, Jane and Bonnie at the top of the Joseph Smith Mem'l Building overlooking the SLC Temple -- breathtaking!

We had all brought photos and we shared stories and told each other about our lives. Bonnie had never met any of them, so now she knows some of my friends who used to be in the Doylestown ward. She was brought into the covetous group (haha).

Joanne, Jane, Bonnie, me and Nancy. Amy, our cute waitress took this shot. Is it just me, or are people just friendlier in Utah?

Joanne, Jane and Bonnie

Jane had to dash off to a temple wedding at the Jordan River Temple at 4 p.m., so we said farewell at about 3:00. What a life! Go to one temple in the morning and another in the afternoon. *sigh*

I still can't believe Bonnie and Mike let me use their car to drive all the way to Idaho and back! What a tremendous gift! Because I didn't have to take the shuttle to Rexburg, I was able to pull off the main drag (I-15) and do a side trip to Smithfield, UT!

The next day I left about 8:30 a.m. and headed to Smithfield to see the Elder who baptized me in 1981. I hadn't seen him for 10 years either. The last time I saw him was at the 1998 CES Symposium I went to when I was a seminary teacher back then. I found him on the Internet! I had lost contact with him since 2000. He now has 12 children! WHOA!

Elder Poulsen and child #10Mary Ellen and baby Caden (#12)

It was so wonderful to see Elder Poulsen and his family. All his kids are darling and his wife doesn't look a day over 25! Being with him brought back so many good memories of my conversion. I was able to tell him my conversion story again and he liked hearing it. I was there for about 2 hours, then I headed north.

IDAHO

I traveled from Smithfield to Rexburg in about 3 1/2 hours. I got to my girls' apartment with about an hour to spare before I went to see Zannah dance! Yippeeee! Her roommate, also a dancer, was having her choreography final and Zannah was one of her dancers. It was one of two times I got to see Zannah dance again! It was great! Then we snuck out of that auditorium and headed over to another to see Zannah's other roommate's final for her directing class. That was nice, too. Sandy and Jewely went with us, and Zannah's friend, Chris.

Zannah in Cara's dance

Those next 4 days are so blurry because I was so tired, I don't remember all I did. I forget what I did Wednesday night, if anything but sleep. But Jewely's roommate Mandy gave up her bed to me because she needed to pull an all-nighter to study for her finals. She said she would have slept in the living room anyway. I was happy to sleep on the couch, but she insisted. I actually slept in a bed every night, the last night in Jewely's bed. Good girls, all.

Thursday and Friday were filled with finals for all three of my kids. I saw them haphazardly. When Jewely was in-between finals on Thursday, we went to "Circle of Love" -- a bridal shop. When we walked into the store, I saw this beautiful dress on a manikin and said to her, "That is one of the loveliest dresses I've ever seen.... it's probably too expensive."

We picked out about 6 dresses to try on. The shop girl, Camille, was very helpful. She overheard us talking about the dress on the manikin and asked if we would like to try that one, too. I said, "Well... we're on a budget." When she told us the price, it was at the cap of my spending limit. "OK!"

Beautiful Jewely and her beautiful wedding gown

So Jewely tried it on and she looked so beautiful! She tried on two other dresses, too, but they did not compare to the first. Photos don't do it justice. She looked beautiful in it. It was perfect for her. She has to wear 2" heels, though, but she wants to! And we have to rent a slip. We made arrangments to go back the next day for a fitting.

A close-up of the lace overlay


That evening the 4 of us went to Courtneys for dinner in Sugar City. It was so great to see them! I can't believe I forgot to take pictures while I was there! I was in a daze and ready to crash at any moment. Too bad.... Zannah took a picture of Mai, their little girl, on her cell phone. That's the only picture we have of that night.
Sandy said he couldn't believe that Mike Courtney wasn't a giant! He remembers him as being this really tall guy. Now Sandy is less than 2" shorter. haha

We headed back to the apartment where Zannah and her roommates were throwing a bridal shower for Kristi, who is getting married in August. They wanted to do it before school was out. It was amazing, with finals and all, that about a dozen people showed up! It was a cool shower. I got a lot of ideas for activities for Jewely's shower.

Below, Shalee and Zannah model their toilet paper wedding gowns

Roommates: Mandy, Shallee, Kristi, Cara and Zannah

Unfortunately, Jewely had a study group to go to and left just before the shower and came back just as the last guest was leaving. She wasn't even in the group shot of the apartment mates.... boo*hoo!

Friday was hectic. We went for the fitting in-between Jewely's finals again. Then, just as we were done, I realized we could head over to Zannah's dance final and see her dance again. YAY!

Jenni and Zannah -- Haute Flash!
(believe it or not, they didn't realize what they had named it!)





After that, I helped Jewely pack up her stuff and fill boxes to ship home and worked on that while she took her last final, which ended at about 5:30. I took Sandy, Seth and Jewely out for dinner while Zannah attended Kristi's and Cara's graduation. Then Jewely and I went back to the apartment and cleaned. The other mates didn't get back till really late and I guess they were up during the night cleaning because they had to be out the next morning. I went to bed because I had to drive to SLC the next day.

Sandy came over and helped us load the car and we headed off for the airport -- about 4 hours give or take. Even though the girls' flight left about 3 hours earlier than mine, they had a layover and mine was direct. We arrived in Phila. about a 1/2 hour apart. James and Jewely reunited after months of a long distance relationship -- and all's well that end's well.

(Wow.... it took me all day to publish this blog....)